This content was published: April 1, 2015. Phone numbers, email addresses, and other information may have changed.
April Fools Day Review: Student club reports strange, dancing beast in Sylvania forest
Photos and Story by James Hill
Is Bigfoot roaming the forest at the Sylvania Campus? The PCC Monster Spotters Student Club says “Grebalsh!” (Bigfoot for “you bet!”).
“This is more significant than when we spotted the Loch Ness Monster in the Rock Creek koi pond,” said Club President Harley Anderson. “This time, it’s definitely not a swimming labradoodle. This is a real monster. It’s Bigfoot!”
The club was informed that a strange beast was roaming Sylvania’s Lesser Park by a team of city habitat scientists who were studying invasive plant species during spring break. The team ventured deep into the park’s forest on the hunt for various ivy infestations when the project lead came upon a creature in the middle of the trail. One of his researchers had a camera fixated on intermediate canopy foliage when he reared around and briefly caught footage of the monster.
“It was gyrating and seemed out of its mind,” said Simon Quint, project leader for the team. “I was scared. We were maybe, 20 or 30 feet from civilization. If it attacked, we were really out of luck for any quick applications of Bandaids.”
At first, researchers weren’t sure what it was. After analysis of the film, zoology experts were torn if the creature is a new human subspecies, a non-human animal or a student in a mascot uniform. Further super-computer processing at a lab in Silverton determined that by the length of the individual’s legs and arms coupled with its new wave techno dance step style and self-assured hip-movement, they could safely determine that what the city habitat team discovered was, in fact, a Sasquatch.
“Yeah, no human dances like that, at least, not on purpose,” said lab technician Becky Alvarez. “And we know from science that mascots don’t dance that way unless in pain or about to pass out from being bungy-tethered to the rafters of an arena. So, the only other explanation is Bigfoot.”
The PCC Bigfoot discovery is the first film footage of a Sasquatch since the historic Patterson-Gimlin film from 1967 when adventurer Roger Patterson encountered a Bigfoot near Bluff Creek, Calif., and filmed it for about a minute. The college is now considering upgrading the Monster Spotters Student Club into a full-fledged academic program with a one-year certificate in Footprint & Polyester Fur Detection and a two-year associate degree in Sasquatch Dance Floor Behavior.
“This is historic,” said Anderson. “It clearly shows that Bigfoot is #thinkingPCCfirst and we are delighted.”
The Monster Spotters Student Club is one of many clubs on PCC’s campuses. Check them out at a campus nearest you and get involved!
For more on this evolving PCC Bigfoot issue, visit this webpage.